That's Not My Jesus

In 1998, an Aryan Nation security guard, outside the compound founded by Richard Butler, their white supremacy leader, shot at a woman, drove her off the road, and assaulted both her and her son, justified by a tainted mix of nazi-ism and religion.

That's not my Jesus.

During college I studied how the Aryan Nation hates mixed marriages. I studied how shockingly, this sect twisted scripture and used MY God to justify their so-called elitism. They called anyone not white from Satan, and those light-eyed straight from the angelic throne room of God.

On June 10, 1999, the Aryan Nation marched through Coeur d'Alene making public their distorted belief system, publicly trying to shame those not looking like them, while exulting their own twisted ideations and worth.

That's not my Jesus.

And if we are not smart Biblical scholars ourselves, if we don't wield the sword, soak ourselves in scripture, asking for the Holy Spirit to guide us ...

What is the difference between any kind of racial supremacy, and "us vs them" mentality on any stage or context?

After all, people use education, religion or any other platform they can find to divide and elevate themselves by comparison. They try to separate worth and inherent value, claiming a few chosen and others cut off or dismissed based on wealth or appearance, position or pretense, color or so-called spiritual giftedness?

I mean, when did we get so arrogant thinking it's okay to separate or segregate while blaming or excluding others?

That's not my Jesus.

A man planted a vineyard and set up a hedge around it. It was HIS vineyard, yet by grace, He LET others live and work on it. Then he went far away. The season came to collect the fruit from this vineyard. So the OWNER sent a servant, but the wine-dressers beat and ridiculed him, sending him away empty handed. Another servant was sent to collect what was HIS, the owner's, but the same thing happened to him. Finally, the owner sent His son. "Surely they will respect him." But sure enough those living on the owner's territory somehow dismissed the authority of the owner and viciously KILLED the owner's son as well.

What is this owner to do? What provoked the wine-dressers to act this way? (Mark 12:1-9) What spirit makes a renter bold and arrogant, audacious enough to think they can over-run the owner and keeper of his own land?

That's not my Jesus.

My Jesus is a man, who confronted racial divide. He walked into Samaria to a land that the Jews at the time didn't like or even dare walk through. (John 4) The Jews felt superior and wanted nothing to do with this mixed breed, the Samaritans. They were viewed as not chosen or worthy. But Jesus saw the need and became overcome with compassion and radical love for the lady standing by the well. He knew she needed hope and healing, so He walked towards her - not away from her.

Jesus reached her, not loudly, with disciples watching, but in a quiet one-on-one relationship, approaching her with truth AND compassion. He kept interacting, talking and communicating long enough for her to see her own sin and for this Savior to meet the thirst that led her to this well all along during the day.

Jesus was a magnet of grace - not a hater who condemned sins violently. He once said, "He who is without sin cast the first stone." (John 8:7) And yet TODAY, so many STILL STAND staring with hate boldly, holding their stones.

Out of love Jesus compelled this sinner to repent and turn towards His perfect love and grace. Then she ran to her village - leading everyone back to Jesus.

That's my Jesus.

Jesus saw the outcast. He didn't chase them down and beat them. He walked with compassion even stepping where other Pharisee didn't approve of. He healed on the Sabbath, despite religion's rules. He met with the sinners. He touched the lepers and those shunned by the masses.

That's my Jesus.

Jesus entered the battle to release people to purpose and freedom. He confronted sin but never diminished the God-image spirit in another person. When Peter cut off the ear of the soldier, Jesus didn't rally and chant and condone his act of violence. Instead, Jesus did what came naturally. He brought healing. He repaired what was broken. He replaced the ear and offered his accuser wholeness.

That's my Jesus.

William Wilberforce was a philanthropist, English politician, and a man determined to fight to his death to stop the slave trade movement.

When Wilberforce became a Christian in 1785, his heart was moved, his lifestyle changed, and he experienced true compassion and a determination to create real reform, leaving a legacy that eventually put a halt to the slave trade.

That's my Jesus.

Injustice, self-righteousness, hate, superiority, wanting our own way, flaunting our 'rights', trying to surpass the supremacy and authority of God...that is and always has been the artillery of Satan.

Yet, let's face it...There will always be those that DEMAND the owner's vineyard. The truth is God is Ruler and King, Maker and Owner, and He will never relinquish His dominion or supremacy...though Satan even tempted Jesus during His forty days in the desert.

Sin has wormed its way in ... let's call it what it is, because scripture has been taken not only from our courts and our schools - the hearts of men want their own way and will do anything to get it.

As Americans we are a country founded on truth, Biblical, authentic Christian principles, "One Country, Under God" for the sake of freedom, not forced vindication or the rights of a few who think they are better than the rest! Yet when we doubt God is just and act like Saul, taking our destiny into our own hands - we divide this nation. We separate based on color and religion, strength or weaknesses, poverty, and materialism...

And that, my friend, is a terrible travesty that breaks the very heart of God.

Let's question where our own minds have become enslaved to the enemy of our souls, lying and deceiving us, saying we must have our own say. Let's be brave, asking questions like "How have we contributed to this chaos and division?"...Maybe not in big loud boisterous protesting ways, but even in small subtle ways that might have resulted in dividing and separating individuals.

Like Him, let's walk into another's territory, always with love and compassion and grace.

I love my African American friends, my Latino friends, my middle eastern and oriental friends and the array of colorful children that come with - from mocha to caramel, to light and dark brown.

To me, this is Jesus.

To me the world is not made of varying skin colors, have or have nots, or grandiose thinking of who is supposedly better or more superior. We are born and die the same. We bleed the same. We all breathe this air, having "Ruach Elohim", the very breath of God moving through our being.

We all deserve respect and courtesy, patience and kindness, understanding and empathy.

One nation. Under God. A God who loves. A Savior who set aside HIS rights to die on a cross, out of mercy and grace. Regardless of what you saw in Charlottesville, what you saw in Charleston, what you saw in Ukraine and other states and nations  ...that is my Jesus!

Wednesday's Word

God is doing a new thing.

Can you sense it?

May you lean in and listen

to that still small voice

and take your next steps

with a heart of faith and

expectancy.

May Jesus Himself give

you a fresh vision for

what breakthrough looks

like so you will not lose

heart or give up when it

seems the battle rages on.

Soon, and very soon, you 

will see and know that His

promises are true for you.

Strengthen yourself in the

Lord today.

Remind yourself who you

are and whose you are.

Recite His promises and

rehearse His faithfulness.

He's been good and He'll

be good again.

Walk forward in faith.

God bless you, my friend.

Tuesday's Pause

Father in heaven, I pause from my regular routine, and I look to you. Fan the flame within me, Lord! Restore life to the gifts you've imparted to me! Open my eyes to see evidences of your glory everywhere I turn. Put faith in my heart to step out, to be a necessary miracle in somebody's life today. And as I wait for my own personal breakthroughs, work through me to help someone else break through to their next place of promise. I love you, Lord. I need you every hour. And I have you every moment of every hour. Truly I am blessed. Amen

He Makes Me Lie Down In Green Pastures... or Not | Part 5

Just because God says He will supply your need - it doesn't mean He will supply it in the way you've been accustomed to - and certainly not in your time frame! We are living proof of that. Weeks went by after I broke my foot, and there was no income. George was still recuperating from his stroke (that he had while I was on the mission field in Ukraine), and I couldn't do anything - not even consulting work because of my severely broken foot. We found ourselves in dire need. The mortgage holder on our house wasn't getting any friendlier. The electric company didn't believe in "my God shall supply all your need", and the phone company wasn't buying "God is good all of the time." 

But ... God is good ... all of the time! His Word IS true. He provided. Not always "more than enough", but He provided just enough - and not in the way we thought He would. It didn't come from airplane sales. For the longest time every time George had an inquiry on an airplane it would "go south" before it would get to the closing date. Frustrated?? You don't know frustrated until you've walked a mile in my shoes! Look at this. We're praying. We're sowing (even when we don't have it to sow). We're fasting. We're doing everything the Bible tells us to do - and it's not working for us! We're not seeing the harvest. We're sowing, but we're not reaping. Something is wrong with this picture! 

But God spoke to my heart, to my spirit and said, "Trust me." I wailed and beat the arms of my wheelchair, "But I do trust you, God. You know I do." He whispered, "Don't worry then. Just stand firm. Stay focused on me."

I don't know if you're well versed on phobias or not, but I suffer from algophobia (fear of pain and/or discomfort). I am so serious right now! I really have a fear of being "uncomfortable." I NEED to be in my comfort zone. Panic attacks are not fun - and that's what happens when I get out of my comfort zone.

I want to take you back - way back - before the beginning of this part of my life. 

Before I stepped out in faith.
Before I got out of the boat.
Before I said, "Yes, Lord."

I said a lot of "no, Lord", "not me, Lord." In fact I ran just as hard as I could from God for years and years and then some more years.

I was born into a family of ministers. My Papa was a minister, my Dad was a minister. Both Mama and Mother worked side by side with their husbands their entire lives - giving up everything to work in the harvest field. They lived in houses they didn't own with furniture they didn't choose. What they owned was the clothes on their backs. I wanted NOTHING to do with that. I didn't want to live in foreign lands, eating foreign food, abiding by foreign laws all for the sake of the gospel. Nope, not me. I didn't want it - not for me and certainly not for my children. I didn't want to give up my comfort bubble. 

What I wanted didn't seem to matter to God. You know as well as I do that God never leaves us in our comfort zone. He will always stretch us, and we cannot be stretched while sitting in our cushy seat being fat and sassy in our comfort zone.

So...here we were. George was recuperating from a stroke -which happened while I was doing what God called me to do - missions - in yep, you guessed it, a foreign land. And...I was in a wheelchair with a severely broken foot. I have stepped "out of the boat" to answer God's call. There's no income. The bank account is almost empty. My "retirement" fund is now zeroed out.

We held on. We went to church. We prayed. We cried. We said, "Why, God?" We said, "What do you want from us?" But there was no answer - 
just silence.
Remember what I said about the teacher being silent during the test? Well, He was! But He did send messengers by that let us know He was still in control. He might have chosen not to speak to us through words, but He was certainly speaking through deeds!

I'll never forget rolling my wheel chair to the back of the church and thinking "Ok, what are we going to eat this week? There's no money in the account now. We've got to at least feed James. What are we to do?" About that time one of our dearest friends at church walked up to shake my hand. When I put my hand in his and pulled it back there was something in my hand. O man - did my heart ever skip a beat! I just knew there was money in my hand. I slipped it into my purse (yes, without looking) and waited for George to put me in the car. Once there and out of the church parking lot I began digging in that purse! It was a check for $200! I couldn't help but cry as I told George what had just happened. We could buy groceries and pay for James' school lunch for another week or two! 

The next week there was another check from another family in our church. And after that, there was a visit from another sweet couple - and another check, this time for $500! Our church secretary called me one week and said there was a check at the church office for us ... it was for $2000! We still don't know where that one came from - well, not the human form anyway. We do know where it was from! Our Father was taking care of us. He was "meeting our need." And then there was the time one of my spiritual daughters called and said she needed to stop by to see me. She brought a check for $500 and said God told her to sow that into us. Another spiritual daughter would take my grocery list to Walmart and refuse payment when she brought the groceries back by.

How can I convince you as I sit here and tell you that time after time, week after week, month after month - our church family and even people outside the church that we had befriended over the years stopped by or mailed us money ... and it was always just in time. Just in time for the school lunch program to be due; just as the telephones were scheduled to be cut off; just as the electricity was going to be cut off - always just in time. If you're doubting this - I have the deposit records to prove it's true.

We were careful to be faithful to tithe on everything that was given to us. I know our tithe record at church looked strange during all of that. There are a number of $20 payments and $50 payments - not consistent amounts, but I was so proud and so eager to put those tithing envelopes in the collection bag. I was so thrilled. To me, it was like bragging on Jesus every time I put a tithing envelope in the bag. It was like rubbing the devil's nose in his own mess every time I was able to pay titles. I couldn't have been more thrilled if I was putting in a $10,000 tithe check. I was so grateful. I was living what the Bible says God will do. How awesome is that!?

He Makes Me Lie Down In Green Pastures... or Not | Part 4

Okay, so we know even if we obey the Word, if we step out in faith like Peter did after we make sure it's Jesus calling us out of the boat - the storms are still going to come. Things are not just going to immediately calm down. In fact everything I've read tells me the storms are going to rage even more, the situation is going to get worse, the kids are going to act even more like the devil with a blue dress on, and it is definitely NOT going to be easy! So now what?

Philippians 4:19 MSG You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, his generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Jesus. 

Now what indeed! Now you begin to find out what it means to tie a knot in the rope and hold on. Now you begin to learn what it was like in the days of Paul and Silas to have to pray at midnight and sign praises at midnight. I'm not just talking about midnight being a time of day, but I'm talking about midnight as in the darkest hour of your day, your week, your life ... you get the picture.

Now what ... is we learn to stand as we are commissioned to do in Ephesians 6:13. It tells us "having done all [the crisis demands], stand! What do I mean by stand? I mean just what I said. Stand - in faith. Stand, knowing God is still God regardless of what the situation looks like. Stand, knowing God is still in control regardless of what the medical report says. Stand, knowing God still has plans to prosper you -not to harm you- and bring you to a good end.

Take heart, my sweet friend. It isn't all storms and tsunamis when you walk with God! There are daily benefits of operating in His plan - of letting it be all about Him.

My husband's income was adversely (putting it very lightly) affected (as was most of the nation) by the events of September 11, 2001. He is an aircraft broker. Private and even corporate aviation took a major hit after 9/11, and for some reason it seemed to hit us harder than some of our industry friends.

We began to see businesses around us pick up and rebuild - but not ours. Oh, we sold an airplane every now and then - in fact we appeared to have moved into that land of "just enough." We would sell an airplane and make "just enough" to meet the bills until we could sell another one. It seemed to always be "just enough." What in the world was wrong? What were we doing wrong? I prayed. I fasted. I sent our names in to every prayer request list I could find and still nothing happned. "Lord, what am I doing wrong?" I prayed. I received no answers (a lesson learned during all of this is the teacher is always silent during a test!).

I felt like Paul when he said "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty." I can tell you, it's better when you're living in plenty! What I haven't mastered but am working on is the rest of the verse that says..."I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." You can laugh if you want, but it's really hard to have living in the land of "more than enough" for years and years and then all of a sudden find yourself not only in want but in need. I mean there were times we needed grocery money. We needed money to pay our electric bill and our phone bill and money to pay for our son's lunch at school. 

But God is good ... all of the time. And, He will supply your need - and mine.

He Makes Me Lie Down In Green Pastures... or Not | Part 3 Hairballs

Have you ever been so frustrated, so angry, felt so lost that you didn't know where to go or what to do next? Maybe you don't have a LizFranc fracture or some other physical thing going on, but when things don't seem to be going your way do you find yourself wanting to scream out like I did in the last chapter? It's okay, you know. Our Father knows how frustrated we get, and He knows and expects us to not like it. After all, He created us ... and get this ... He created us in His image! So I wonder does that mean He gets frustrated too? Well, I think He must. In fact, I know He does. 

Go back and re-read the story of Noah and why God was destroying the world. You can also go back to the stories of Abraham and Lot and Sodom and Gomorrah. I'd say yes, He gets frustrated with us humans. All through the story of Moses and the children of Israel, we read where time and time again God was angry with the children of Israel. Yet when they repented and called on Him, He forgave them and delivered them from their troubles.

So...I repented for being angry with God, and I repented for screaming at Him (yep, I really did literally scream out those things I said I felt like screaming). Then I waited and listened.

"And there came an angel of the LORD, and sat under an oak which was in Ophrah, that pertained unto Joash the Abiezrite: and his son Gideon threshed wheat by the winepress, to hide it from the Midianites. And the angel of the LORD appeared unto him, and said unto him, The LORD is with thee, though mighty man of valour. And Gideon said unto him, Oh my Lord, if the LORD be with us, why then is all this befallen us? and where be all his miracles which our fathers told us of, saying, Did not the LORD bring us up from Egypt? but now the LORD hath forsaken us, and delivered us into the hands of the Midianites. And the LORD looked upon him, and said, Go in this thy might, and thou shalt save Israel from the hand of the Midianites: have not I sent thee? And he said unto him, Oh my Lord, wherewith shall I save Israel? behold, my family is poor in Manasseh, and I am the least in my father's house." Judges 6:11-15 KJV

The story of Gideon and his reign as judge over Israel in Chapters 6 through 8 has been near to my heart for many years. Like many of you who are reading these words, I feel totally inadequate to do what God has called me to do. Not only do I feel inadequate, but like Gideon when God called me to ministry, I said, "But God, how can I minister to anybody? I am the least useable in my family, and although my Dad is a minister - he's just a minister. It's not like he's some super-preacher on TV or pastors a mega church. He's just one of your ministers. Besides I need too much ministering to myself to be trying to minister to someone else." Then God spoke to my heart and said, "I know you can't, but I can - through you." So I argued more, "But look at me. I'm not beautiful like Paul White or Judy Jacobs. It's not like I've got some amazing talent like Karen Wheaton or Cece Winans. I'm not even young at this point. Even those ministers today that aren't labeled "beautiful" in the world's eyes ... At least they've already been doing this for years. They started young and have built their ministry over many years. It's rather late for me to be starting out, don't you think? I was young, but now I am old!" And again God spoke to my heart and said, "You are not old! Moses was 80 when I called him to deliver the children of Israel, and Sarah was 90 when she gave birth to Isaac. You're nowhere near that old, so get over it." The more excuses I came up with, the more He reminded me of His word. So finally I relented and said, "Yes, Lord."

Then it began to hit me. It began to really hit me.I had just agreed to minister to God's people. The Bible says when someone has been given much, much will be required in return, and when someone has been entrusted with much, even more, will be required. To me that means if I'm given a ministry, which in my mind is MUCH, then God is going to require MUCH of me in return! Haaaaaacgh! (No, I didn't go to sleep on my keyboard. That's what it sounds like when a cat coughs up a hairball. Got it?  By the way, that's not my original noise. I hear it on a regular basis from someone very dear to me that God has allowed me to minister to. When I say something she doesn't necessarily want to hear ... I get that cat with a hairball sound!) Even now just thinking about God requiring MUCH of me makes shivers run up and down my spine. 

So then I'm thinking if I'm willing to obey Him, do my utmost to please Him, go where He wants me to go and stay where He wants me to stay ... my life should be pretty good, right? WRONG! It doesn't work that way. James 1:2 tells us not only will there be trials and tribulations, but we are to count it joy when they come! Haaaaaacgh! I don't know what you get out of that verse but to me if the Bible says "when trials and tribulations come" - that means they are probably already on the way! It also means there is definitely much required here, because I find it really difficult to count it all joy when I'm in the middle of a war - especially when it seems I'm the primary target of the artillery! And yet, He wants me to count it all joy! I'm the target of all the ammunition - and I'm supposed to be happy with it! Haaaaaacgh!

He Makes Me Lie Down In Green Pastures... or Not | Part 2 The Merry Go Round

Ah yes, the green pastures. Green never was my favorite color!

With four screws and two pins in my foot I was going nowhere fast! On the four month anniversary of the break they would perform surgery again to remove the four screws. Then the rehabilitation began (in more than one way)!

My next thought was "Great. Okay, God, your Word said Get up, for God has given you victory. I got up and fell down and broke my foot! So where are you in this? Exactly how am I supposed to minister in missions with a broken foot? It's not like they have handicap-friendly facilities in Ukraine where you called me to work. So now what? I obeyed your Word, and look where I am!

Being made to lie down when there's so much work to be done is not an easy place to be in. Somehow even then I knew that God had allowed me to be in that place for a purpose. I just wish I wasn't so hard headed that God had to "knock me down" to get my attention. Sometimes I feel like I must be forever cast in that TV series "NCIS." You know, the one where the boss (character name Gibbs) is always popping his subordinates on the back of the head when they say somethiung stupid or do something they should know better than to do. Maybe as you read this you will learn your lesson (if you haven't already), and it won't take such drastic measures from God to get your attention. If I can offer some advice right here - don't be stubborn like me. Don't close your ears to what God is speaking to your heart. After awhile it really hurts to get popped on the back of the head by the "boss."

Another scripture jumped off the page at me. Actually, this one jumped off and did somersaults! Take a look at Psalm 23:2. "He makes me lie down in green pastures; he leads me beside still waters." It took me a while (I can be rather dense sometimes), but I realized God made me lie down - in the pastures. I'm not so sure they were green, but I was definitely laying down. And the waters ... oh yeah, the waters were definitely still - like dead still - like nothing was happening.

This story didn't start with the "Get up" word though. It started about three months prior when God just brought it to my remembrance one day that seven is His number of completion, and the battle my family had been fighting for the past several years would soon end. He dropped it in my spirit that eight is the number of new beginnings, and 2008 would be the beginning of a new thing. In fact He revealed things to me that I have yet to share with anyone because they are just too amazing to utter. I did write some of them down, and I even shared some of them with my husband, George and then with my parents. The day all of this flooded my brain (and my heart) ... well, I had church all by myself in my kitchen! It was awesome!

Oh, okay, so you're reading this and thinking how weird I am to have had "church" all by myself in my kitchen. Let me ask you something. If you were all by yourself in your kitchen and your phone rang and Ed McMahon was on the other end of the phone and told you that you had just won the Readers Digest Sweepstakes - you know like $5,000 a week for the rest of your life. I ask you how would you react? Would you be calm and cool and say, "Oh, thank you. That's good news." Really!? Give me a break! You would be just like those people they show on TV - jumping all around, shaking your head, pinching yourself to confirm you were awake. Then you would get on the phone or maybe in the car and find someone to share the news with, right?? Well!

After my church service in the kitchen - there were confirmations. We had not one but several visiting ministers at our church who confirmed His word for me. They called me out of the congregation and told me things like, "God says He is doing a new thing in you. Wait for it." They urged me to "hold on" because God was going to take what the enemy meant for harm and turn it around and use it for my good. I had "words" and confirmations from everywhere. Yet ... nothing NOTHING was happening. I didn't see new things happening - except for new battles. The more we stand in faith, the harder it gets to stand. So I was standing on one leg! Most of the time I wasn't even standing - I was sitting in the wheelchair! I just wanted to scream, "WHERE ARE YOU, GOD? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

I prayed, and I cried and I begged God "just tell me what it is I'm supposed to be learning through all of this. I promise I'll write it down and memorize it and put it into practice. Just please stop this merry-go-round so I can get off." It seemed the more I begged for it to stop - the faster the merry go round spun.

He Makes Me Lie Down In Green Pastures... or Not

Judges 7:15 NLT
When Gideon heard the dream and its interpretation, he worshiped God. He returned to the camp of Israel and called out, "Get up! The LORD has given the Midianite camp into your hands."

A few years ago I was reading my daily devotional when the words of Judges 7:15 just sort of jumped off the page at me. My husband, George, and I had been going through a deep dark valley that appeared to have morphed from a valley into the Grand Canyon. When I shared that thought with George, he said he had just heard on the news they were going to flood the Grand Canyon. Doesn't that just figure! But I was so excited about this Word that nothing could get me down ...or so I thought!

There I was ... called to be a minister in missions, called to walk away from my employment of 16 years leaving benefits, salary, everything to walk in real faith with Him. I got out of the boat like Peter and was spiritually walking on water. In the natural realm, all hell had broken loose, but I will unpack that for you in just a minute.

This day, the day Judges 7:15 jumped off the page I was energized, I was encouraged, I was on a spiritual high. I couldn't wait to call George and share my revelation with him. I called my family and shared. I shared with my spiritual daughter when she called to check in, and I shared with everyone I saw and talked to for the next two days. I even shared it at our church staff meeting, and I didn't stop there. I shared it at our church at our Wednesday night service. Then Friday came. (Note to self - keep your mouth shut unless God specifically tells you to shout it from the rooftops!)

Yeah, Friday hit me. You know the story of the crucifixion - Jesus was crucified on Friday ... Friday was the bad day. My Friday arrived on Saturday morning at 5:30 am!

Several years prior I had been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and several accompanying disorders which can and do cause intense muscle spasms. That Saturday morning the spasms hit hard and fast with no advance warning. It woke me in the rudest way. I jumped up and stood beside the bed trying to relax the spasm out of my thigh. It finally relented, and I began to crawl back into bed when it hit again - harder and faster. This time my leg locked up, and I couldn't move. I blacked out momentarily and fell to the floor. When I hit the floor between the bed and the wall it jolted me "awake", and I began calling for George. Immediately I realized my right foot was turned in an unnatural position and was up under the bed. It had already begun to swell, and I knew that I knew, without a doubt, it was broken. To sum up the next few hours that turned into days, George took me to the Emergency Room where they confirmed my foot was broken and had some "mangled" bones in the top of it. They splinted my foot and said the orthopedic surgeon would have to determine the best course of action for the "mangled" part.

I saw the orthopedic surgeon on Thursday and was told I had a severe LizFranc fracture. I had surgery the following Monday. They said I would have to be completely off my foot for a minimum of four months. I had four screws and two pins in my foot and could move only with the aid of crutches, a walker, and a wheelchair!

Welcome to green pastures!

God Moves in a Mysterious Way

God moves in a mysterious way His wonders to perform;

He plants His footsteps in the sea and rides upon the storm.

Deep in unfathomable mines with never-failing skill, He treasures up His bright designs,

and works His sovereign will.

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take; The clouds ye so much dread

are big with mercy, and shall break in blessings on your head.

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense, But trust Him for His Grace;

Behind a frowning providence, He hides a smiling face.

His purposes will ripen fast, unfolding every hour;

The bud may have a bitter taste, but sweet will be the flower.

Blind unbelief is sure to err and scan His work in vain;

God is His own interpreter, and He will make it plain.

by William Cowper

How many times have you seen God move in a mysterious way? If you're like me - the times have been countless. So many times I want so badly to understand His ways, but they're so far above me I cannot even begin to comprehend. 

I'm sure the disciples wanted to understand His ways, too. Matthew 14:22-27 is a prime example of His ways being so far above ours.  Jesus knew when He told the disciples to get in the boat and go to the other side of the lake ... He knew there was a storm brewing (He was Jesus, after all). He knew the disciples were going to face a huge battle, and He knew they would doubt; they would be afraid; they would mumble; they would wonder where He was. He knew all of that ... and He sent them anyway. Why? Ah, that little word ... it plagues our minds so often - or at least it does mine!

Sure enough, the storm that was brewing erupted into a massive storm. I often think of it being like a hurricane or maybe even a typhoon. I've been in both, and I can testify that neither are fun. The storm rocked their boat, flapped their sails and tossed them around like ragdolls. 

SIDEBAR:  Are you in the middle of a storm? I am! Are you waiting for a billboard to let you know God's still on your side? Me, too! Guess what?! Even with the signs (which I've been getting a lot of) - there's still the fear factor! Really! We've been in this funk all of this calendar year. I have screamed (inwardly) "Where are you, God? Did you just leave us in this mess to drown? Don't you care about us anymore?" And yet there are signs - literally. From out of nowhere, I will get a post from somebody that basically says "hold on". Somebody new will follow me on Instagram, and all of a sudden there's another post that says "God's got this." Or even better there will be one that tells me not to fear, not to doubt - that everything is turning around and there will be abundance and overflow! And I'm sitting here like "When, God, when?" 

Just like the disciples, I doubt. I fear. I cry. I throw a fit, I accuse God of not caring. And just like on the other side of the lake that stormy night He comes to me and says "it is I, be not afraid." 

Yes, His ways are mysterious. We will never understand them on this side of heaven, but be assured my sweet friends, He cares and will not let us down.

My New Name

You know how sometimes you just read the Bible, and then there are times you READ the Bible? It's usually times like the latter when we get a real revelation. I did that this morning. 

It started in Phil 1:6 (which has been my life scripture for as long as I can remember). 
I am sure that the good work God began in you will continue until he completes it on the day when Jesus Christ comes again. (ERV) So...I'm a work in progress until the day Jesus returns. For that matter, so are you! We won't be perfected until that day. In other words, we need a LOT of work! Hmmm...what about the ones who have died? Are they just sleeping until that day because they were already finished? God was through perfecting them? So...maybe they didn't need as much work as I do? (or you?)  Leave me a comment at the bottom of this page if this speaks to you. Share your thoughts with me.

As I continued to read I was reminded of something else. Not only am I a work in progress that won't be completed until Jesus returns ... but God's got a new name for me. I won't be Ruth or Lyne ... when God says He makes all things new - He makes all things new. Thank goodness! We'll have a new home, a new body (whew), a new life (awesome) and a new name!

Rev. 2:17  (CEV) To everyone who wins the victory, I will give some of the hidden food. I will also give each one a white stone with a new name written on it. No one will know that name except the one who is given the stone.

Is that cool or what? I had to stop long enough to think about the hidden food - that refers (according to my Concordance) to when the people of Israel were going through the desert, the Lord provided a special food (manna) for them. Aaron placed some of it in a jar and stored in the sacred chest (Exodus 16). According to later Jewish teaching, the prophet Jeremiah rescued the sacred chest when the temple was destroyed by the Babylonians. He hid the chest in a cave, where it would stay until God came to save his people.

So what about the white stone? Nothing I could find really defined it exactly. It is believed by some that it may be kind of like a ticket that gets the bearer into God's banquet where the "hidden food" is eaten. Immediately I thought of the "new name" as God's own special password for me. Yeah, I'm geeky like that. But, isn't that dope!? I mean God is so in love with you (and me) that He is saving the best for last!

Once we faithfully get through all that we are going through on this earth - He makes all things new - even our name! He's got a special one just for you - just for me. I like to think of it like a password - something He's thought of especially for each one of us. AND ... "no one will know that name except the one who is given the stone."

Wow! That's all. Just WOW!

Love - what does it mean to REALLY love someone?

The following statement really hit me between the eyes this week. Maybe it doesn't convict you or make you stomp on the brakes of life, but it did me. And I just have to share how it spoke to me.

Love means this: I accept you, and I embrace you just as you are.

It is not my job or desire to try to change you.

If you are constantly looking to people for approval - or even for correction, you have positioned them in a place they were never designed to be.

Humans cannot be God. (Aren't you glad?) They cannot be the Holy Spirit. A good friend will sit with you and gently direct you towards hearing God's voice on your own and will champion whatever that voice says to you.

And when you feel like you just want to love someone enough to try and change them, remember they don't need YOU to be God. They need Jesus. That's it. The end.

LOVE IS NOT A TOOL TO CHANGE PEOPLE.

IT NEVER HAS BEEN.

IT NEVER WILL BE.

THE GOAL OF THE GOSPEL IS NOT TO CHANGE PEOPLE.

Whaaaaaat, you say? Just hear me out.

There is a beautiful story in scripture (John 20:19-23) that describes Jesus' encounter with his "friends" (i.e.: disciples). He had just re-appeared to them after being dead for three days, after the crucifixion.

Remember the context: his friends had left him in his time of need, rejected him and completely forgotten what he had told them. If there was ever a time for Jesus to call out his friends on their perceived bad decisions. THIS WAS THE TIME.

What stand out in this story (and what I am totally awed by) is what he said and what he did NOT say.

His first words to them were: peace be with you.

Notice what he did NOT say.

He did NOT say:

Uhhh, hello??? Where were you on FRIDAY WHEN I WAS LITERALLY BEING KILLED?

Or,

Why are you hiding in here? What do you think you're doing? Why aren't you out there telling people to get saved???

Or,

Did you not listen to a SiNGLE WORD I SAID OT YOU? I told you a MiLLION times I would RISE ON THE THIRD DAY???

No. No. No. No.

In this moment, Jesus did not shame. He did not condemn. He did not correct. He did not "fix" his friends into being better followers of him, or to be better ambassadors of his message.

Peace be with you.

He wanted them to be at peace.

Even in their mistakes.

Even in their failures.

He then did something we rarely do: He exposed His wounded parts; he invited them to come close to touch and feel them.

This was in part to show them it was really him, but I also see an amazing moment of vulnerability. Instead of exposing their brokenness, he exposed his own. He exposed the human parts of him that were still healing. And then, in the perfect moment, he spoke to them about forgiveness.

His focus was to:

1. Bring peace to his friends
2. Be vulnerable with them
3. Extend forgiveness

He did not:

1. Shame or condemn them
2. Correct their behavior
3. Expose their failures

CAN I JUST SAY - THIS IS WHY I'M OBSESSED WITH HIM??

In our greatest moments of failure or shame, this is the response we long for from our friends.

This is where we feel the most loved and most protected.

Can you imagine what a difference our churches would experience if instead of frantically trying to fix and save each other, we simply embraced this??

Jesus was about freedom inside of our messes. Grace without limitations. And the beauty of being loved and chosen when we don't deserve it.

It's easy to condemn.
It's brave to extend grace.

It's easy to shame.

It's brave to listen with an intent to understand.

I don't know how we've gotten so far from the message...regardless, I've resettled there.

Through all of this life's valleys and mountaintops, this is now my definition of a brave and holy friendship:

1. They are not afraid to sit with me in my pain, grief or failure until I find my way out.
2. They do not try to fix or correct me - they trust God to do that.
3. They protect/cover the areas I am vulnerable in.
4. They guard my story.
5. They are vulnerable with me, and I am safe to be vulnerable with them without fear of judgment or shame.

When you are hurting, this is the kind of friend you want and need.

And ... when you extend this kind of friendship to others, you are crafting something sacred; people may just feel a little bit like they encountered Jesus after being with you.

I've received some compliments in my day ... but the greatest compliment I ever received (and I'll never forget it) was when I was told "I can tell you've been with Jesus."

Can they tell you've been with Jesus? When you say you love someone ... what does it really mean?

Trapped!

Do you every feel trapped? I do! Traffic, long lines (or even short lines) anywhere, the waste of time spent waiting for my name to be called for an appointment, waiting for a repairman to arrive, an answer to come ... all of these (and more) leave me itching for release. For freedom.

I don't like be constrained, restrained or stuck. I'm that person who takes her own vehicle so she can leave the dinner, the party, the whatever when she's ready. Who has a reasonably flexible work schedule that allows me to work odd hours, if odd hours get the job done. It's not often that I have nightmares, but if I do, they almost always involved being trapped somewhere and unable to get loose; to get away.

Sometimes I am confused about freedom, though. I think it requires control, but it doesn't. Freedom is about surrender. About self-forgetfulness. About intense focus on a task. On others. On God. I am never more trapped than when I am drowning in the Sea of Me. It's dark there. and ugly, and deep. And I am never more free than when I am lost in creating or listening, or teaching (like in Ukraine), or loving (again, in Ukraine) -- all my energy aimed ... elsewhere.

Full of worry, focused on what I want, anxious that my own needs are being met, I live in an ever-tightening vise. Focused on others though, I can simply "go up in smoke" --an offering of love on a hundred small altars, any day, anywhere, anytime.

Gerbera daisies bloom (I'm not a huge roses fan) without demand. Sparrows fly without Zoloft. The sunrise and sunset arrive on time--not a minute too late or too soon--whether I pay attention to them or not. Consider these, Jesus said, and find comfort.

The free and unencumbered life I long for cannot be reached by striving, holding, manipulating, or managing. Only by surrendering my own interests, ego and anxiety--and looking to Jesus to be my guide. Because whoever the Son sets free is free indeed.

If you grasp and cling to life on your own terms, you'll lose it, but if you let that life go, you'll get life on God's terms. (Luke 17:33, The Message)

It's Friday!

Most Fridays are my favorite day of the work week - like everyone else who does the traditional 8-5 job, but even that's not normal for me. I get to the office around 6:30 every morning and try to leave no later than 6:15 every night, but there are nights like last night when I'm here until 8:20. Hey, but today is FriYay! I get a chance to go home and crash for a day or two.
But this Friday ... yes, this Friday is different.

This Friday is Good Friday. Ever wonder why they call it "Good Friday" when it was such an awful Friday? Well, it's good for us - the only Son of God suffered a horrible gut wrenching death - just so we can choose to live.

There's more to this Friday this year. Sunday, the 16th, is the anniversary of my baby sister's birth ... but she's not here. This is her first birthday celebration in heaven. I know she's celebrating - she isn't suffering anymore. She doesn't have to worry about the cancer that wracked her body, doesn't have to be concerned about her phlebitis, doesn't have to worry about her heart problems ... she is well! All is well for her. I'm so thankful she isn't suffering anymore - I wouldn't bring her back to her suffering for anything, but our loss is so great. I miss her all the time, but especially on Fridays. I always called her on my way home to share the frustrations and celebrations of the week and listen to hers. She would cackle, and I would lose it. The sound of her laugh was infectious, and oh how her eyes would sparkle when she laughed. She had gorgeous eyes! She was so crazy - always calling and leaving goofy messed up messages on my email. I kept her last message, and the memories roll down my cheeks every time I listen to it. Yeah, this Friday is different.

...but Sunday's coming! I will celebrate my risen Saviour on Sunday, and I will celebrate Deb's birthday hoping that somehow she knows how much she is missed on this side.

I cannot begin to imagine how God felt when Jesus was hoisted up on that cross. I have sons, and I wouldn't give up any of them to that death - not for anyone and certainly not for a bunch of ungrateful humans. We talk all the time about how Jesus suffered - and I'm not downplaying that - my heart almost stops when I think of the pain he endured. But what about His Father? And His Mother? Surely, Mary must have felt as though her heart would explode. Mine feels that way when I contemplate how much she must have wanted to pull Him off that cross! And His Father ... our Father! Knowing what must be done to save this often ungrateful human race, knowing that He was giving up His son to torture and ridicule and suffering and death. Surely, He wept on Friday. Surely His heart was shattered.
      How, oh how can we be so ungrateful?
      How can we disregard what He did for us?
      How can we not believe after all that was given up for us?

But that's not the end of the story! He kept His Word ... and three days later He arose! No more suffering for Him ... or was there? ... or is there? Surely, we make Him suffer over and over again when we fail to believe; when we don't keep His commandments; when we don't share His story with the rest of the world; when we don't reflect Him.

Yes, this Friday is different, but so is this Sunday. Somehow His story is more prevalent in my mind, His sacrifice hurts me more, and His love amazes more than it ever has! I'm thankful to know that Sunday is coming, and I will celebrate Him. I will also celebrate another gift - the gift of my baby sister!

Happy Birthday, Deb!

Happy Resurrection Day!

Crashed and Burned

It had been a hard year - heartbreakin' hard! Unbelievably hard!  My world crashed and burned!

Everything that mattered most to me seemed to go up in flames. My heart burned and the ashes seemed a safe place to fall -- and to stay. Unresponsive to encouragement, I sat in the ashes for a long time. My hands filled with fists of ashes. I could smell the ashes regardless of where I was. Like the smell of the ashes in our fireplace that seem to overtake me sometimes - I could smell them!

I lost one child - not to death - to circumstances and now am at risk of losing another because of the previous circumstances. Some of them were my own doing, but a lot of them weren't. Nevertheless, I ended up in ashes. The decisions I had made earlier in my life based on good solid advice from people of character and people who I admired people who made their living giving advice now threatened everything I held dear.

I needed to get up; I just couldn't muster the oomph to do it. Sadness feels natural; sorrow is comfortable. I knew I couldn't wallow in the ashes forever. And here's the sweet thing: God knew this too. He knelt down next to me and extended a helping hand up. He promised: Give me the ashes; I'll do something with them. Something beautiful.

He spoke this message in hundreds of ways, but it wasn't until I was at my lowest that I understood the message He was giving me. In fact, He gave it to me time after time. It's just that I tend to be a little hard headed sometimes - so it's difficult to get things through to me. Beauty for ashes. How many times have I heard this? How many ways has it been preached? How many times has it been sung by various artists? But one day it clicked for me. Beauty for ashes. I have plenty of ashes could He really give me something beautiful in exchange for them? And there He was. Our God of redemption and resurrection, speaking His timeless message once again--for me, for you. Give me the ashes; I'll do something with them. Something beautiful.

It's been a while since I got that message. I wish I could tie up my story with a pretty bow. Say that I unclenched my fists, gave God the soot, and have been happy-go-lucky ever since. But I won't--because that's not the truth.

I want to be real. And real is that it took a long time to see anything redemptive in my heartbreak. In fact, there are a LOT of scars from that heartbreak that are still very visible. Real is also my trust -- my faith -- in a God who makes life worth living. Even when I can't wrap my mind around life's crazy questions. I'll stay committed to taking Him at His Word, regardless of my circumstances; believing He is a loving Creator who is making beauty in my life even from ashes; hoping for what remains unseen.

I'll continue to look for His goodness because truly the most beautiful thing in the midst of pain is a faithful God. One who stands by One who redeems--all things. One who creates masterpieces out of muck. A God who took the most hopeless situation and the ultimate death and resurrected hope. Resurrected our hope; Jesus

Psalm 6:4 NIV
Turn, Lord, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love.

I Believe!

Mark 9:24b is probably one of my most quoted verses. "I believe, but help my unbelief." 

I do believe! I know that I know that I know that God is able ... but do I believe He will? Maybe not - at least not when it comes to believing for something for me. I can go way back to when I was a young teen, and I really did not believe I would ever live to see the years I am in now. I believed for sure Jesus would return before I ever got out of high school. Maybe I should correct myself and say I was afraid Jesus would return before I got out of high school. That statement is more accurate.

I've worked in ministry for the past 20+ years, and I still find it difficult to believe God would want to do something miraculous for me. Odd, huh? I have no trouble believing for others, just not for me.

I am currently battling five (yes, 5) autoimmune disorders plus another reoccurrence of shingles, loss of almost all my hair - so I had it shaved and trying to figure out where the money is coming from to keep my Mother (who has dementia) in the facility where she is since she doesn't have enough income to pay for the total cost. Geez! If ever I needed to believe for me, it is now. Yet I wrestle every single solitary day with all the reasons why God's not going to come through for me and has every right not to.

What does it make you feel when you hear that God's going to take care of you - that He's working everything out for your good? Does it bring you peace or does it bring out your cynical and doubtful side?

As a child and up through my teenage years, it definitely brought out my cynical side. I was the kid who went to church because I was the pastor's daughter and had no choice! I slept (with my eyes open) through services and left as soon as I could get out without one of my parents grabbing me by the back of my shirt. I really didn't believe that God would work anything out for me.

I saw miracles, but those miracles "didn't happen for me." I think my first real petition before God was when I found myself pregnant as an unmarried teenager. It was my fault, and it wasn't my fault - but whichever way you see it I was pregnant. I knew, but I didn't know. I had not been to the doctor to confirm it, and back then (in the dark ages) there was no such thing as an over-the-counter pregnancy test. I journaled back then and every single day I would cry out through my writing for God to please let the pregnancy end or let me not be pregnant. I did that for the first six months of the pregnancy! Did He answer?  Yes, but the answer was a resounding NO! Another sign that He took care of other people and did miracles for other people, just not for me. I begged God to just let me be normal - just let things end. After all, my girlfriend was pregnant and hers ended in miscarriage - her parents never even found out she had been pregnant until she told them - decades later.

Needless to say, things have changed now. I have personally experienced miracles of all sorts, but when you're in the proverbial valley it's difficult to remember those mountain top experiences. Nevertheless, I believe. God, help my unbelief!

Don't Quit

I know it feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders and that it really doesn't matter if the dishes are done or that no one really cares that you were up half the night or that you are often overlooked. I know you sit in the car and put your head on the steering wheel and while the tears roll down your face. I know that sometimes you just want to throw in the towel and whisper (or scream) that you've had enough of all of this.

I know. I know because I have felt that way - and more than a few times.

I remember sitting in the bathroom behind the door with my head in my hands thinking that I couldn't do this whole Job (yeah, like Job in the Bible) thing any more and that I really didn't matter or make a difference and that I would never ever catch up on all the tasks on my plate - which, by the way, I've never really caught up on. And because I've felt that way (today) I'm writing to tell you that you, right now, matter more than you might ever realize.

There have been and will be days that are hard. Weeks that are hard. Months that are hard.

But, you can do this. I know you can.

You can pick yourself up, brush off the words that cut you to the bone by people you thought cared about you, and you can make it today. Though the pain overcomes your body, and your mind doesn't function like it once did. You can make it.

I know because I'm sitting here with the pain of multiple immune disorders running throughout my body, shingles from my forehead to the back of my neck, chemo sores burning up and down both legs and my head all but completely shaved due to a combination of chemo, stress and other medications. But, I refuse to quit.

Quitting means stopping. And you (I, we) don't stop.

A wise friend of mine once told me that we only fail when we quit, and he's right.

Adulthood doesn't look anything like I imagined when I was a young girl. It doesn't always look like great kids, a great house, enviable cars and money to spend on wonderful vacations. Those times are there (for some). But seriously, listen to me, those things don't make a life. Those things, while they are wonderful when you have them, they don't really matter in the life journey. Do you know what does matter? YOU. Right now, reading these words. So, don't quit.

Well, no matter how much I plan and organize it seems things don't adhere to my calendar of events. As I sit here today I am sporting a head wrap because my hair is coming out by the gobs. I spent last evening having a meltdown in the hairdresser's chair, but it didn't do any good. The hair is still gone.

I am in the process of getting everything ready for my youngest son to leave on his first mission trip without me. My heart is overwhelmed with pride in him and what God is doing in and through him but also with sadness that a) I am not able to go right now; b) he is so grown up. Isn't it odd that we spend our whole lives teaching our children how to leave the nest, but then when they do we are overcome with sadness! SMH

This medical journey that I've been on for the past 15 years just doesn't seem to stop - not even pause. Makes me wonder what in the world is ahead of me. Is it some miraculous healing that will amaze people who have seen maybe pieces of this journey? Whatever is ahead I do know this much - God is ever in front of me, beside me and behind me. Without that knowledge, I couldn't make it one more step.

If you know me at all, you know I'm not normal. Normal is what I always thought I wanted to be, though. My life is like some kind of Job story (yes, the one in the Bible), but unlike Job, I didn't (and don't) give all the right answers to the persecuters disguised as friends. I'm not that righteous not -- even close!

Anyway, for whatever reason, I seemed to have received a message that in this time of waiting (on what I don't know yet) I should go back to blogging. Some years ago I blogged under the name of Covenant Life Ministries. That was our missions ministry name, and we were very active in Ukraine at the time. More specifically, we were active in the Crimea region and between there and the Slavyansk/Donetsk region where all of the fighting has been taking place. Due to the travel risk and ongoing health issues, we (I) have not been back to Ukraine since 2012.

My heart is still there, and the people will forever be on my mind and in my prayers. I love them with everything in me and pray for them often (Phil 1:3-5). I hope and pray I get to return, but for now, I am being still (Ps 46:10).

What I will share with you here is the journey I've been on for the past 15 years, although there may be some references to times before that. We will see. This blog is not for the faint of heart. It is about me, this older than middle aged now, woman. It will be real and open and out loud. If that's not for you I totally get it and won't get my feelings hurt if you don't follow me. But...if you want to see how God can take a REALLY messed up life and use it in amazing ways ... stay tuned and prepare to be amazed at God and disgusted with this truly abnormal woman.
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Little Bites of Life
"A successful man (or woman) is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him." ~David Brinkley