The following statement really hit me between the eyes this week. Maybe it doesn't convict you or make you stomp on the brakes of life, but it did me. And I just have to share how it spoke to me.
Love means this: I accept you, and I embrace you just as you are.
It is not my job or desire to try to change you.
If you are constantly looking to people for approval - or even for correction, you have positioned them in a place they were never designed to be.
Humans cannot be God. (Aren't you glad?) They cannot be the Holy Spirit. A good friend will sit with you and gently direct you towards hearing God's voice on your own and will champion whatever that voice says to you.
And when you feel like you just want to love someone enough to try and change them, remember they don't need YOU to be God. They need Jesus. That's it. The end.
LOVE IS NOT A TOOL TO CHANGE PEOPLE.
IT NEVER HAS BEEN.
IT NEVER WILL BE.
THE GOAL OF THE GOSPEL IS NOT TO CHANGE PEOPLE.
Whaaaaaat, you say? Just hear me out.
There is a beautiful story in scripture (John 20:19-23) that describes Jesus' encounter with his "friends" (i.e.: disciples). He had just re-appeared to them after being dead for three days, after the crucifixion.
Remember the context: his friends had left him in his time of need, rejected him and completely forgotten what he had told them. If there was ever a time for Jesus to call out his friends on their perceived bad decisions. THIS WAS THE TIME.
What stand out in this story (and what I am totally awed by) is what he said and what he did NOT say.
His first words to them were: peace be with you.
Notice what he did NOT say.
He did NOT say:
Uhhh, hello??? Where were you on FRIDAY WHEN I WAS LITERALLY BEING KILLED?
Or,
Why are you hiding in here? What do you think you're doing? Why aren't you out there telling people to get saved???
Or,
Did you not listen to a SiNGLE WORD I SAID OT YOU? I told you a MiLLION times I would RISE ON THE THIRD DAY???
No. No. No. No.
In this moment, Jesus did not shame. He did not condemn. He did not correct. He did not "fix" his friends into being better followers of him, or to be better ambassadors of his message.
Peace be with you.
He wanted them to be at peace.
Even in their mistakes.
Even in their failures.
He then did something we rarely do: He exposed His wounded parts; he invited them to come close to touch and feel them.
This was in part to show them it was really him, but I also see an amazing moment of vulnerability. Instead of exposing their brokenness, he exposed his own. He exposed the human parts of him that were still healing. And then, in the perfect moment, he spoke to them about forgiveness.
His focus was to:
- Bring peace to his friends
- Be vulnerable with them
- Extend forgiveness
He did not:
- Shame or condemn them
- Correct their behavior
- Expose their failures
CAN I JUST SAY - THIS IS WHY I'M OBSESSED WITH HIM??
In our greatest moments of failure or shame, this is the response we long for from our friends.
This is where we feel the most loved and most protected.
Can you imagine what a difference our churches would experience if instead of frantically trying to fix and save each other, we simply embraced this??
Jesus was about freedom inside of our messes. Grace without limitations. And the beauty of being loved and chosen when we don't deserve it.
It's easy to condemn.
It's brave to extend grace.
It's brave to extend grace.
It's easy to shame.
It's brave to listen with an intent to understand.
I don't know how we've gotten so far from the message...regardless, I've resettled there.
Through all of this life's valleys and mountaintops, this is now my definition of a brave and holy friendship:
- They are not afraid to sit with me in my pain, grief or failure until I find my way out.
- They do not try to fix or correct me - they trust God to do that.
- They protect/cover the areas I am vulnerable in.
- They guard my story.
- They are vulnerable with me, and I am safe to be vulnerable with them without fear of judgment or shame.
When you are hurting, this is the kind of friend you want and need.
And ... when you extend this kind of friendship to others, you are crafting something sacred; people may just feel a little bit like they encountered Jesus after being with you.
I've received some compliments in my day ... but the greatest compliment I ever received (and I'll never forget it) was when I was told "I can tell you've been with Jesus."
Can they tell you've been with Jesus? When you say you love someone ... what does it really mean?
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