Mark 9:24b is probably one of my most quoted verses. "I believe, but help my unbelief."
I do believe! I know that I know that I know that God is able ... but do I believe He will? Maybe not - at least not when it comes to believing for something for me. I can go way back to when I was a young teen, and I really did not believe I would ever live to see the years I am in now. I believed for sure Jesus would return before I ever got out of high school. Maybe I should correct myself and say I was afraid Jesus would return before I got out of high school. That statement is more accurate.
I've worked in ministry for the past 20+ years, and I still find it difficult to believe God would want to do something miraculous for me. Odd, huh? I have no trouble believing for others, just not for me.
I am currently battling five (yes, 5) autoimmune disorders plus another reoccurrence of shingles, loss of almost all my hair - so I had it shaved and trying to figure out where the money is coming from to keep my Mother (who has dementia) in the facility where she is since she doesn't have enough income to pay for the total cost. Geez! If ever I needed to believe for me, it is now. Yet I wrestle every single solitary day with all the reasons why God's not going to come through for me and has every right not to.
As a child and up through my teenage years, it definitely brought out my cynical side. I was the kid who went to church because I was the pastor's daughter and had no choice! I slept (with my eyes open) through services and left as soon as I could get out without one of my parents grabbing me by the back of my shirt. I really didn't believe that God would work anything out for me.
I saw miracles, but those miracles "didn't happen for me." I think my first real petition before God was when I found myself pregnant as an unmarried teenager. It was my fault, and it wasn't my fault - but whichever way you see it I was pregnant. I knew, but I didn't know. I had not been to the doctor to confirm it, and back then (in the dark ages) there was no such thing as an over-the-counter pregnancy test. I journaled back then and every single day I would cry out through my writing for God to please let the pregnancy end or let me not be pregnant. I did that for the first six months of the pregnancy! Did He answer? Yes, but the answer was a resounding NO! Another sign that He took care of other people and did miracles for other people, just not for me. I begged God to just let me be normal - just let things end. After all, my girlfriend was pregnant and hers ended in miscarriage - her parents never even found out she had been pregnant until she told them - decades later.
Needless to say, things have changed now. I have personally experienced miracles of all sorts, but when you're in the proverbial valley it's difficult to remember those mountain top experiences. Nevertheless, I believe. God, help my unbelief!
I do believe! I know that I know that I know that God is able ... but do I believe He will? Maybe not - at least not when it comes to believing for something for me. I can go way back to when I was a young teen, and I really did not believe I would ever live to see the years I am in now. I believed for sure Jesus would return before I ever got out of high school. Maybe I should correct myself and say I was afraid Jesus would return before I got out of high school. That statement is more accurate.
I've worked in ministry for the past 20+ years, and I still find it difficult to believe God would want to do something miraculous for me. Odd, huh? I have no trouble believing for others, just not for me.
I am currently battling five (yes, 5) autoimmune disorders plus another reoccurrence of shingles, loss of almost all my hair - so I had it shaved and trying to figure out where the money is coming from to keep my Mother (who has dementia) in the facility where she is since she doesn't have enough income to pay for the total cost. Geez! If ever I needed to believe for me, it is now. Yet I wrestle every single solitary day with all the reasons why God's not going to come through for me and has every right not to.
What does it make you feel when you hear that God's going to take care of you - that He's working everything out for your good? Does it bring you peace or does it bring out your cynical and doubtful side?
As a child and up through my teenage years, it definitely brought out my cynical side. I was the kid who went to church because I was the pastor's daughter and had no choice! I slept (with my eyes open) through services and left as soon as I could get out without one of my parents grabbing me by the back of my shirt. I really didn't believe that God would work anything out for me.
I saw miracles, but those miracles "didn't happen for me." I think my first real petition before God was when I found myself pregnant as an unmarried teenager. It was my fault, and it wasn't my fault - but whichever way you see it I was pregnant. I knew, but I didn't know. I had not been to the doctor to confirm it, and back then (in the dark ages) there was no such thing as an over-the-counter pregnancy test. I journaled back then and every single day I would cry out through my writing for God to please let the pregnancy end or let me not be pregnant. I did that for the first six months of the pregnancy! Did He answer? Yes, but the answer was a resounding NO! Another sign that He took care of other people and did miracles for other people, just not for me. I begged God to just let me be normal - just let things end. After all, my girlfriend was pregnant and hers ended in miscarriage - her parents never even found out she had been pregnant until she told them - decades later.
Needless to say, things have changed now. I have personally experienced miracles of all sorts, but when you're in the proverbial valley it's difficult to remember those mountain top experiences. Nevertheless, I believe. God, help my unbelief!
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