Don't Quit

I know it feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders and that it really doesn't matter if the dishes are done or that no one really cares that you were up half the night or that you are often overlooked. I know you sit in the car and put your head on the steering wheel and while the tears roll down your face. I know that sometimes you just want to throw in the towel and whisper (or scream) that you've had enough of all of this.

I know. I know because I have felt that way - and more than a few times.

I remember sitting in the bathroom behind the door with my head in my hands thinking that I couldn't do this whole Job (yeah, like Job in the Bible) thing any more and that I really didn't matter or make a difference and that I would never ever catch up on all the tasks on my plate - which, by the way, I've never really caught up on. And because I've felt that way (today) I'm writing to tell you that you, right now, matter more than you might ever realize.

There have been and will be days that are hard. Weeks that are hard. Months that are hard.

But, you can do this. I know you can.

You can pick yourself up, brush off the words that cut you to the bone by people you thought cared about you, and you can make it today. Though the pain overcomes your body, and your mind doesn't function like it once did. You can make it.

I know because I'm sitting here with the pain of multiple immune disorders running throughout my body, shingles from my forehead to the back of my neck, chemo sores burning up and down both legs and my head all but completely shaved due to a combination of chemo, stress and other medications. But, I refuse to quit.

Quitting means stopping. And you (I, we) don't stop.

A wise friend of mine once told me that we only fail when we quit, and he's right.

Adulthood doesn't look anything like I imagined when I was a young girl. It doesn't always look like great kids, a great house, enviable cars and money to spend on wonderful vacations. Those times are there (for some). But seriously, listen to me, those things don't make a life. Those things, while they are wonderful when you have them, they don't really matter in the life journey. Do you know what does matter? YOU. Right now, reading these words. So, don't quit.

Well, no matter how much I plan and organize it seems things don't adhere to my calendar of events. As I sit here today I am sporting a head wrap because my hair is coming out by the gobs. I spent last evening having a meltdown in the hairdresser's chair, but it didn't do any good. The hair is still gone.

I am in the process of getting everything ready for my youngest son to leave on his first mission trip without me. My heart is overwhelmed with pride in him and what God is doing in and through him but also with sadness that a) I am not able to go right now; b) he is so grown up. Isn't it odd that we spend our whole lives teaching our children how to leave the nest, but then when they do we are overcome with sadness! SMH

This medical journey that I've been on for the past 15 years just doesn't seem to stop - not even pause. Makes me wonder what in the world is ahead of me. Is it some miraculous healing that will amaze people who have seen maybe pieces of this journey? Whatever is ahead I do know this much - God is ever in front of me, beside me and behind me. Without that knowledge, I couldn't make it one more step.

If you know me at all, you know I'm not normal. Normal is what I always thought I wanted to be, though. My life is like some kind of Job story (yes, the one in the Bible), but unlike Job, I didn't (and don't) give all the right answers to the persecuters disguised as friends. I'm not that righteous not -- even close!

Anyway, for whatever reason, I seemed to have received a message that in this time of waiting (on what I don't know yet) I should go back to blogging. Some years ago I blogged under the name of Covenant Life Ministries. That was our missions ministry name, and we were very active in Ukraine at the time. More specifically, we were active in the Crimea region and between there and the Slavyansk/Donetsk region where all of the fighting has been taking place. Due to the travel risk and ongoing health issues, we (I) have not been back to Ukraine since 2012.

My heart is still there, and the people will forever be on my mind and in my prayers. I love them with everything in me and pray for them often (Phil 1:3-5). I hope and pray I get to return, but for now, I am being still (Ps 46:10).

What I will share with you here is the journey I've been on for the past 15 years, although there may be some references to times before that. We will see. This blog is not for the faint of heart. It is about me, this older than middle aged now, woman. It will be real and open and out loud. If that's not for you I totally get it and won't get my feelings hurt if you don't follow me. But...if you want to see how God can take a REALLY messed up life and use it in amazing ways ... stay tuned and prepare to be amazed at God and disgusted with this truly abnormal woman.
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Little Bites of Life
"A successful man (or woman) is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him." ~David Brinkley